I QWIT CWYPTO

BASED ON TRUE EVENTS

CA: 0X00000000000000

Jared had been a hardcore crypto bro. A total blockchain bard. He spent years speaking in riddles like, “Buy the dip!” and “HODL for life!” while his parents asked him why he couldn’t just get a normal job like his cousin Dave who sold insurance.

But after one particularly brutal crash where his portfolio plummeted faster than a skydiving elephant, Jared finally snapped. His last Dogecoin was gone. His NFTs? Worth less than the pixels they were printed on. And his mental health? Let’s just say his therapist started charging him in Ethereum for the emotional surcharge.

So, Jared walked into a McDonald's, filled out an application, and, before he knew it, was proudly rocking a visor and a name tag that read "J-Dizzle." Because why not rebrand?

Day one, he was slinging fries like it was a high-speed trading session. “Alright, so how many fries per minute are we minting here? What’s the ROI on a Double Cheeseburger combo?” he asked his manager, Bill, who was starting to regret ever asking, “So, tell me about yourself.”

Within a week, Jared had turned McDonald’s into his own personal blockchain universe. He renamed the break room “The Metagrill” and tried to convince his coworkers to join “McDAO,” a decentralized autonomous organization where every employee had voting rights on what the lunch special should be. “We’re all stakeholders in this burger economy, my dudes!” Jared proclaimed, throwing his hands in the air like he was about to summon fries from the heavens.

When a customer asked if they accepted Bitcoin, Jared nearly flung himself over the counter. “No, sir! But we do have the McCrypto Meal—comes with fries, a drink, and a fortune cookie that says, ‘You should’ve sold at $60K.’”

By month two, Jared had introduced concepts like “Proof of Fry” and “Yield Nugget Farming.” He drew charts explaining how if you worked the drive-thru long enough, you could unlock the mythical “Golden McNFT”—a crispy nugget shaped like Elon Musk’s face.

THE END...??!!

But deep down, Jared found peace in the simplicity of his new life. No more staring at charts till his eyes felt like burning GPUs. No more fighting over gas fees that cost more than his monthly rent. Sure, his boss Bill thought he was insane, and most of his coworkers were convinced he was part of some elaborate prank, but Jared was happy.

His portfolio now consisted of paychecks, free McFlurries, and one very questionable Dogecoin he kept as a reminder. And while it wasn’t a Lambo lifestyle, Jared decided he was officially “Ba da ba ba ba... Loving it.”